It's officially hair-pulling time

I woke up this morning to find out that the company I am illustrating for is taxing me a figure of 28%. After chain smoking 4 cigarettes on the front porch, (for those of you who know me, I don't smoke) I called them (in Chicago) and asked, in much nicer terms; wtf? Apparently that is how much they tax in America. With us complaining about our taxes every year, I hardly think we have a leg to stand on; our measly 12% and covered health care! But it was something I hadn't anticipated. I send off an invoice, tax free and claim everything at the end of the year. Now I'm looking at an almost $800 deduction from the price I had set up. Another blow, from the countless items I had not counted on paying to go on this trip. Yes, I cried a little.

I gave Suzanne a panicked call. In the midst of smoke #3, trying to keep it together (I'm leaving in 2 days and they haven't even sent the check-minus the astronomical tax deduction) she talked me down; no one she's ever heard of going to YWAM has ever not been able to pay out the whole thing, many people go without the entire amount, this is God's money-it will all come in. *Hyperventalating, I finished my cigarette, took a couple deep breathes and realized she's right. I just hate going there that short and worrying about money when I want all my focus to be on my studies.

I know I'm getting more worked up then I should be, but after my crazy last day of work (where one of my girls tried to jump out of the car while it was moving at 80km and almost killed us both, then tried to go AWAL and lock us out of the house) I'm just a bag of nerves. I bought a pack of smokes for the first time since I was 18, and I detest smoking. I'm over schedule on finishing my contract to illustrate the 7 books I was hired to do a month ago, and now I'm a couple grand short for my $7000 trip. And I'm supposed to be on a bus to Connecticut Sunday morning. Panic? Check.

Breathe.

All I can hope is they will accept my request to not tax the amount and direct deposit my payment because there are no CIBC's in the US and I cannot cash checks there. Why can't I just get on the plane hastle free like they do in the movies? Holywood is a sham!

The last 23 days..

Everyone asks me if I'm excited to leave and really, I am. But I've been so focused on work, making money and worrying about money that actually leaving is so far off my mind. I don't even think about it. I think about checking my schedule to see where I could fit another shift, who I could call to get another shift, and if I should pre-pack my overnight bag. I think about time managing the books I'm illustrating, though to be honest, I'm really not worried about getting them in on time. I'm good with deadlines. I worry about how much my effing vaccines are going to cost me, but leaving, actually leaving seems surreal.

I know once I'm on the bus it will all hit. After, when I get out of freight, internally cursing how much I payed to ship my bike to Connecticut. When the bus starts to roll away, the morning sun beaming through my window, shining a new development in my life. I will feel it then.

But I don't even think about it. Funny right?

I find myself rationalizing, thinking; what are you doing? Are you insane? Why don't you just stay at your job, get an apartment by yourself; it's been 6 years since you've had your own place. You're due for a management position if you stick it out, you know that. Winter won't be that bad.
I know it's something else plugging those thoughts into my over worked brain. I know in my heart what I'm doing is right, what I know I've been longing to do for so long.
Funny, when you hit the nail on the head, the voices stop. For a while at least.

But it's all good. I'm leaving, I know it, don't freak out everyone! I'm not taking off to Hawaii with all your cash. But I figure doubt is a normal thing, especially being so new to this. But I trust Him. He hasn't failed me yet, through so much testing! This has not been an easy road, but every time He says follow, it's hard, but there's always a reward at the end of the tunnel. And being a Christian for 7 months now, this still boggles me.

So work, illustrate, sleep. And then the bus to salvation. Finally.